English translation at the end: So now I am "chronically ill"!?
J'ai 42 ans seulement et avant les vacances cet été, j'étais très sincèrement heureuse.
D'abord, je
faisais beaucoup de sport. C'est drôle je n'aimais pas du tout le sport lorsque
j'étais plus jeune, je ne me pensais pas douée du tout et j'étais plutôt
l'intello. Mais petit à petit le goût du sport m'était venu et lorsque la
maladie m'a frappée, je faisais régulièrement mes 24 km de vélo par jour pour
me rendre au travail. J'avais commencé à apprendre l'aviron, et je faisais très
souvent une grande marche dans les parcs environnants le week-end pour m'aérer
l'esprit.
Je pensais que si
je continuais à bien entretenir mon corps, je vivrais certainement jusqu'à 100
ans! J'avais pris cette décision en riant de moi-même, mais tout de même à
moitié sérieusement. Donc d'après mes prévisions, j'avais quand même encore
presque 60 ans à vivre ce qui laisse le temps d'apprendre beaucoup de nouvelles
choses et de voyager. J'avais beaucoup de projets, des listes entières à vrai
dire! J'avais deux grands rêves: tomber amoureuse et écrire des livres.
Je suis
psychologue et je prenais soin de mon équilibre mental, enfin, du mieux que je
pouvais. C'est moins évident que d'enfiler ses baskets, mais je lisais et je
développais quelques bonnes habitudes,
un peu de méditation, un peu de pensée positive... J'ai un bon travail, et même
si j'ai raté des choses dans ma vie, dans l'ensemble j'ai bien réussi. Je vis
avec mon fils de 9 ans et je suis divorcée depuis plusieurs années. Mon fils
partage sa vie entre mon appartement et celui de son père qui vit à quelques
minutes en vélo. Oui en vélo, car nous vivons aux Pays-Bas. Une autre longue
histoire, pas pour aujourd'hui.
En juin cet été,
j'ai senti un gonflement dans le ventre et j'ai vaguement pensé que j'étais
peut-être stressée ou que je devais avoir trop mangé. Mais il y avait un
gonflement anormal et dur dans le bas du ventre à gauche, juste au dessus de
mon pubis, que je pouvais sentir sous ma main lorsque j'étais allongée. Je n'ai
pas tardé à réagir et dans la semaine j'étais chez le médecin.
Après plusieurs
examens, une échographie d'abord, puis un CT-scan et un IRM, un gynécologue
oncologiste m'annonçait que j'avais certainement un cancer des ovaires. Il
était très professionnel et semblait suivre un script bien préparé pour me
l'annoncer. Il fallait faire un examen complémentaire pour en être certain et
déterminer la suite du traitement. Après une attente de 3 semaines, délai pour
être opérée par une grande spécialiste, je rentrais à l'hôpital pour la biopsie
(sous anesthésie générale). L 'après-idi de l'opération, je recevais la
confirmation que j'avais effectivement un cancer.
Ce n'était plus
une grosse surprise: à ce stade j'avais perdu espoir que ce soit simplement une
tumeur bénigne car en quelques semaines la tumeur avait tellement grossi que
j'avais beaucoup de mal à marcher normalement. Je commençais à m'habituer aux
mauvaises nouvelles après chaque examen et pourtant ce n'était pas encore le
pire. Le pire est venu lorsqu'on m'a annoncé que j'étais en stade 3B, ce qui
est un stade très avancé. Je ne pouvais pas y croire. Je faisais du sport, du
vélo et de la rame deux mois avant, je n'avais absolument rien senti d'anormal,
ce n'était pas possible...
Les deux derniers
mois ont été comme un cauchemar dont j'attendais de me réveiller. Je commence à
reprendre pieds et à comprendre que ma vie a totalement changé. Je suis
maintenant une malade chronique, et il faut que je m'habitue à cette idée!
Plusieurs amis
m'ont encouragée à écrire. Sur le coup cette idée me paraissait impossible. Je
ne pouvais pas m'exposer ainsi, et je ne savais pas quoi dire de toute façon,
mes pensées me bombardaient sans répit. Je ne pouvais même plus m'asseoir et
méditer une seconde, tant mes propres pensées me submergeaient.
Mais je commence
lentement à comprendre pourquoi je devrais écrire. Pour faire le tri dans ma
confusion. Et puis surtout pour partager. Pour que cette épreuve ait un sens.
Partager mes pensées, mes sentiments, mais aussi peut-être ma connaissance de
la psychologie et comment cette science peut nous aider à tenir bon malgré la
douleur et l'anxiété. Un vieux réflexe professionnel, je ne peux pas m'en
empêcher. C'est vrai que j'adore écrire et expliquer la psychologie! Cela va
beaucoup m'aider de partager et de tenter d'aider d'autres personnes dans des
situations similaires ou qui ont des proches qui luttent contre le cancer. Je
voulais écrire un livre sur les enfants vivant à l'étranger, mais je ne peux
plus me concentrer sur le sujet. Je suis obnubilée par le cancer. Alors autant
faire mes recherches et écrire sur ce sujet.
***
English translation:
So now I am “chronically ill”?
I'm 42 and just before the holidays this summer, I was sincerely happy.
First, I was very sportive. It's funny I did not like sports when I was younger. I thought I was not good at all. But gradually the taste of the sport had come to me and when the disease hit me, I used to bike 24km a day to get to work everyday. I also started to learn rowing, and every so often on week-ends I had a long walk in the park and the woods next door to refresh my mind.
First, I was very sportive. It's funny I did not like sports when I was younger. I thought I was not good at all. But gradually the taste of the sport had come to me and when the disease hit me, I used to bike 24km a day to get to work everyday. I also started to learn rowing, and every so often on week-ends I had a long walk in the park and the woods next door to refresh my mind.
I thought if I continued to properly maintain my body, I could probably live until I was 100! I made this decision, laughing at myself… but still, half seriously. So according to my predictions, I had almost 60 years to live _ which is a reasonable time to learn many new things and travel. I had a lot of projects _ as a matter of fact entire lists of projects! And I had two big dreams: falling in love and writing books.
I am a psychologist and I’ve always taken care of my sanity _ at least, I was doing my best. It is less obvious that putting on his sneakers, but I kept reading about the psychology of well-being and I developed some good habits, a little bit of meditation, a little bit of positive thinking ... I have a good job, and although I missed a few things in my life, all in all I have done pretty well. I live with my 9 year old son and I have been divorced for several years. My son divides his time between my apartment and that of his father who lives a few minutes by bike. Yes bike, because we live in theNetherlands . Another long story, not for today.
In June this summer, I felt a swelling in the belly and I vaguely thought I might be stressed or that I must have eaten too much. But one day I realized that there was an abnormal swelling that felt hard, on the left side below my navel when I was lying on my back… and I rushed to see my doctor.
After several tests, an ultrasound first, then a CT-scan and an MRI, a gynecologic oncologist told me that I most probably had ovarian cancer. He was very professional and seemed to follow a script when telling me. We had to make a further examination to be sure and determine further treatment. After waiting three weeks, being on a waiting list to be operated by a national specialist, I returned to the hospital for a biopsy (under general anesthesia). The afternoon of the operation, I received confirmation that I was actually cancer. It was mid-August. It was not a big surprise at this stage. I had lost hope that it would simply be a benign tumor because the tumor had grown so much that I had great difficulty walking normally. So I'd begun to get used to bad news after each examination and yet it was not the worst. The worst came when the gynecologist told me that I was in stage 3B, which is a very advanced stage. I could not believe it. Two months before while cycling or rowing there was absolutely nothing wrong with me _ it was not possible ...
The last two months have been like a nightmare from which I expected to wake up. I am slowly starting to get back to reality and understand that my life has totally changed. Now I am a chronically ill, and I have to get used to the idea!
Several friends encouraged me to write. At the time this idea seemed impossible. I could not expose myself and my feelings to others. And I did not know what to say anyway. My thoughts were bombarding me relentlessly. I could not even sit down for meditation and focus for more than half a second because my thoughts were overwhelming and out of control.
I am a psychologist and I’ve always taken care of my sanity _ at least, I was doing my best. It is less obvious that putting on his sneakers, but I kept reading about the psychology of well-being and I developed some good habits, a little bit of meditation, a little bit of positive thinking ... I have a good job, and although I missed a few things in my life, all in all I have done pretty well. I live with my 9 year old son and I have been divorced for several years. My son divides his time between my apartment and that of his father who lives a few minutes by bike. Yes bike, because we live in the
In June this summer, I felt a swelling in the belly and I vaguely thought I might be stressed or that I must have eaten too much. But one day I realized that there was an abnormal swelling that felt hard, on the left side below my navel when I was lying on my back… and I rushed to see my doctor.
After several tests, an ultrasound first, then a CT-scan and an MRI, a gynecologic oncologist told me that I most probably had ovarian cancer. He was very professional and seemed to follow a script when telling me. We had to make a further examination to be sure and determine further treatment. After waiting three weeks, being on a waiting list to be operated by a national specialist, I returned to the hospital for a biopsy (under general anesthesia). The afternoon of the operation, I received confirmation that I was actually cancer. It was mid-August. It was not a big surprise at this stage. I had lost hope that it would simply be a benign tumor because the tumor had grown so much that I had great difficulty walking normally. So I'd begun to get used to bad news after each examination and yet it was not the worst. The worst came when the gynecologist told me that I was in stage 3B, which is a very advanced stage. I could not believe it. Two months before while cycling or rowing there was absolutely nothing wrong with me _ it was not possible ...
The last two months have been like a nightmare from which I expected to wake up. I am slowly starting to get back to reality and understand that my life has totally changed. Now I am a chronically ill, and I have to get used to the idea!
Several friends encouraged me to write. At the time this idea seemed impossible. I could not expose myself and my feelings to others. And I did not know what to say anyway. My thoughts were bombarding me relentlessly. I could not even sit down for meditation and focus for more than half a second because my thoughts were overwhelming and out of control.
I ‘m starting to realize why several friends told me that I should get it out through writing. To sort out my confusion. To share and to help others. For this challenging moment in my life to become meaningful. I started to see that
I could share my thoughts, my feelings, but maybe my knowledge of psychology and how this science can help us to hold on despite the pain and anxiety: an old professional reflex. It is true that I love writing and explain the psychology! This will help me a lot to share and try to help others in similar situations, patients who also fight cancer or relatives. I wanted to write a book about children living abroad, but I can not to focus on the subject. I am obsessed with cancer. So I’d rather spend this energy sharing and writing about it.
8 commentaires:
courage soeurette ; )
Hard facts of life :-(
A mediter: un diagnostique n'est pas une definition, c'est une direction (it is not a label, but a sign post).
Bravo pour ta décision! :D
Et courage!
Merci pour vos commentaires et vos encouragements!
Catherine
Des statistiques restent des statistiques, chaque cas est différent, bats toi et mènes ton combat. Restes avec des objectifs.
On pense a toi
Ewin et papa
Merci pour tes beaux textes, tu n'as pas perdu la main. Toutes mes pensées vont vers toi. Accroche toi!
Isabelle
Bonjour Catherine .. j'ai l'impression de me lire dans votre récit.. tellement emouvant hate de lire la suite .
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